My Return to Work: A Journey Through Motherhood and Mental Health

By Victoria Whitelaw

I think it is important to start by being honest and letting you know that this blog post has taken me 4 years to write. I returned from maternity leave to full-time work in October 2021. By Christmas the same year, I was signed off sick with poor mental health (postpartum OCD) and a poorly baby!

The purpose of this blog isn’t to focus on postpartum OCD, but I think it is important to talk about it and raise awareness, so please have a quick read Perinatal OCD - Mind. It is quite scary how many women go undiagnosed, and I can already see the faces of women reading about the disorder and thinking, oh, that could have been written about me. My inbox is always open.

I’d left my career to take 5 months of maternity leave after the birth of my first child, Charlotte, and wow, what a life-changing, earth-shattering experience that was! I know everyone tries to prepare you for how different your life will be after becoming a parent, but nothing can compare to sitting in that experience yourself and riding the roller coaster of emotions that comes with it.

Timing-wise, like for most women, it didn’t feel particularly great to be taking a break from work, as we had just started to really ramp up our efforts to provide additional support to property managers facing cladding remediation challenges.

I had spent the last 12ish months putting together our processes along with trying to educate our customers and colleagues on the delights of EWS1 along with the consolidated advice note (quick check in, wow does that feel like a lifetime ago!).

Things had changed at work quite dramatically in the time I was off I was walking back into a new team, new team structure, new Government guidance and approach- it was a minefield. If you factor in an undiagnosed mental health disorder and a poorly baby, you can imagine that it was an interesting time.

I had a supportive boss and super supportive colleagues, but I returned expecting my brain to work the same way and it just didn’t, the next couple of months were really challenging and I did end up having to have time off so that Charlotte could have some treatment, and I could get treatment for the OCD.

When I returned in February, it felt like I was returning all over again, except now, Charlotte was settled in nursery, and I was coping with the OCD a lot better. Take two, returning to work begins.

Again, I tried to rush back into “pre-parent working mode”, but my brain just didn’t work at the same speed, and I found it frustrating. I had gone from someone who was a go-to person in the business, to someone who could sometimes just about hold a conversation, that is what it felt like anyway.

My boss has this great way of reading how I am feeling as soon as she sees my face on a team call, as we now work remotely (did I forget to mention I had a baby during a global pandemic? That will have to be another blog post). She could tell that I was struggling, but I wouldn’t admit it, and at one point, I even pushed for more responsibility.

I was then encouraged to think about whether I wanted to take on more responsibility, which at the time caused a lot of resentment, to the point where I nearly left the job, in the career I had worked so hard for. Just because I’d had a baby didn’t mean I couldn’t handle the responsibility.

 I know now and have done for a while that the resentment I felt was misplaced, the team around me were genuinely concerned for my wellbeing and wanted to give me the space to work through what being a full-time working Mum looked like.

Having 12 months or so to try and get back to a routine meant that I was ready to take on a big challenge in 2024. Whilst there were mistakes made, a long list of challenges and a bruised ego at times, I ended 2024 feeling like I could conquer the world.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is okay to return to work and not feel like the same person. Take your time, you’ve just completely overhauled your life, flipped it on its head and it will take time to find the new version of you that feels remotely competent, whilst dealing with the crippling Mum guilt for leaving your baby.

It is also okay to want to come to work and miss your baby, and then want to stay at home and not come to work. Do what feels right for you, don’t ignore your feelings. Sit in the feeling, figure out what it means and most importantly, make sure you communicate with your superiors and colleagues.

I am sure there are women out there who returned to work and didn’t struggle – more power to you, please share your stories, show women that it is possible for that to happen.

If you are reading this and about to become a parent, or currently on mat leave or have recently returned, just know that you can do this, make the right choices for you and your family – don’t feel guilty if you value your career and that it is part of the decision-making process.

I remember the most challenging days, consisting of multiple night wake-ups and then 4 am wake-up calls, meaning I’d put in a good 4/5-hour shift in before even starting work. Wow, those were tough days, but I got through them! However, if I saw one more meme or Instagram reel that told me to enjoy the time with my baby in the moment, before she grew up and didn’t need rocking to sleep every 45 minutes, I would have thrown my phone out of the window.

I worried about how writing about my experience might offend people who returned to work full-time and didn’t struggle like me, or people who didn’t return to work. I think if I thought about it too much, I wouldn’t have written the blog but as Mum’s, as women, we must share our experiences, we must learn from each other and help each other succeed, so here I am, sharing my story, in the hope that others will share theirs.

To finish, I thought I would try and lighten the mood by listing the top 5 things to NOT say to anyone returning from maternity leave…

1.      How was your holiday?

2.      Are you feeling refreshed and ready to work?

3.      Is the baby walking yet?

4.      Is the baby not sleeping through the night yet?

5.      Can you work late tonight with no notice to get this project done?

Connect with Victoria today to show your support : )